Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
