I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
