At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I did not marry a roomba.
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