You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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