but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
