I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
