I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
