seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
