i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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