I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
