if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
