He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
