I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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