Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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