Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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