Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
