I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
