I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
