There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You are the jesus of drinking
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
