in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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