My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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