May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
