That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
