You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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