Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
