i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
