After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
