my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
