Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You need Xanax blowdarts
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
