Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
