If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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