I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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