Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
