He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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