Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
we're so committed to being not committed
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
