I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
