remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize