I accidentally had phone sex last night
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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