I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
