Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
