I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
