Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
