Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
