My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
