Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
