She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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