I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
