i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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