New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
