This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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