You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
