I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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