The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
