there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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