I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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