we have pet lesbian snakes
my being single is dangerous.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
