At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
